Welcome to our problem page with Linda B! Linda B is a leading international life coach from Iceland and is a LET Communication Consultant, Trauma Resiliency Model expert, Former President of the Icelandic Coaching Federation and Board of Icelandic Women’s Business Association. We’ve partnered with her to help our readers with their problems!
To submit an anonymous and confidential question to Linda for free advice email info@lavidaliverpool.co.uk or contact her on FACEBOOK!
Dear Linda B,
Life with my partner during lockdown is unbearable. Before the beginning of all this our marriage was pretty rocky but the pressure of the last year has made it reach breaking point. We’ve been married for 10 years and have two children aged 4 and 6 but as a couple we’ve drifted apart. He has a high pressure job and I’m a full time mother and it’s like we live separate lives. Our sex life has become non existent and we’re lucky if we have sex once a month.
During the pandemic he’s been working from home a lot and it’s added to the tension between us. He’s always snappy and moody and I feel like me and the children are walking on eggshells trying not to disturb him when he’s working at the dining table. He’s under a lot of pressure with his work as it is under threat due to the pandemic and that’s making things even worse.
I just don’t know what happened to our relationship, there’s no love any more, and this situation has made me realize this more than ever. I want to sort things out and rekindle our love, but I don’t know where to start.
Emma, Liverpool
To submit an anonymous and confidential question to Linda for free advice email info@lavidaliverpool.co.uk or contact her on FACEBOOK!
Hi Emma and thank you for sharing your relationship situation with me.
I think that in times we are living now it takes its toll on us all as individuals, families and couples. We are dealing with a situation that we have never seen before and we are learning at the same time to change the way we work and our lives have changed so dramatically in so many ways. No more socializing and meeting the people we work with and have our chit chats with them, no more one beer after work, no more gym, no more sports, no more hugs, no more parties, theatres, concerts etc.
This requires us to change our lives but big changes are hard for the most of us and if you add worries about your work situation and financial matters to it our world is shaken even more. Marriages are also affected by those situations and your husband is under a lot of pressure in the midst of all of these changes, as are you.
What I would advise you if you want to get back on track with your husband is to follow the rules that that the Gottman institute suggests we make together when we want to repair our relationships. The first thing we need to do is to tell our partner what is bothering us, so communicating is the beginning of everything. We can do that with respect, and we should be willing to look at ourselves at the same time and admit to our part in the situation and then find ways or solutions to make things better.
The list below is a good guide to use in communication troubled situations. You say that your relationship was rocky before the epidemic and I think that every couple goes through rocky periods now and then and especially when you have young children and a high pressure job. Therefore it’s very important not to forget to show interest in each other and little things like a kiss on the neck, ask how your day was and say something nice about each other. Even sending little love notes every day is very important if we want to rekindle our love.
Have one evening a week just for the two of you when the children have gone to sleep and flirting with each other in a sensual way sometimes works wonders if you want to rekindle the love you once had. Active listening is also especially important and trying to understand from what place the other one is coming from is crucial so that neither partner needs to go into a defence mode.
I think that if you had love in the beginning of your relationship it is almost always possible to find a way to rekindle it if we are willing to set our ego aside and start looking for ways to repair what’s lost. And we should remember that we are not 50-50% in our relationship but 100%-100%, so we shouldn’t let our pride stand in our way of starting to repair the relationship from our side.
So my dear Emma, communication, active listening, caring, kissing, understanding, flirting, dating, loving words and actions could go a long way to repair your relationship. And if you add to that a lot of respect for the feelings of each other then you have a good combination of tools to use. Just always remember that you are on the same team and probably you always want the best for each other even though sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.
Good luck with rekindling your relationship Emma.
Linda B x
To submit an anonymous and confidential question to Linda for free advice email info@lavidaliverpool.co.uk or contact her on FACEBOOK!
